It was today agreed by everyone that Caithan Gormley is, officially, the suckiest guy on the planet. 100% of over 7 Billion voters voted yes on proposition 482, the "Caithan Sucks" Act. We caught up with his friends to get more details,
"Well I can't say I'm surprised", says Hugh Dobbin, a close associate of "The Suckinator". "I mean, he doesn't really say anything but "You Suck", obviously a ploy to mask his insecurity about his own suckiness. He's the only guy I know that can't make a decent pun on my name, and I'm called "Hugh", there are so many options."
We also caught up with his sauve, sophisticated and sexy colleague Bobby Clarke. "My grandpappy always said you could judge a man by the quality of the code he writes.", he says, "well, that just about makes Caithan the worst guy I've ever met."
I walk to his crappy home. In the distance are the wails of a disgsted mother, "Where did we go wrong?". The father is verbally lacerating the son: "I always knew you'd never amount to anything!"
Caithan was today also found guilty of crimes against humanity, due to his intolerable suckishness. He has thus been sentenced to death by listening to Brutal Swing by Igorrr on repeat.